I’ve Become What I Can’t Be

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We spend most of our life trying to figure out what and who we want to be. We spend our time wondering about the indecision’s of our selves more than why we were put here in the first place. You think you are one kind of person then years to decades later you look back and realize you are very different, even if it seems small at first, you know that you are just becoming someone else, a newer version of yourself. The question is whether you are who you want to be or are you still working on that?

I’ve been thinking for the past year about who I’ve become. Not what I have accomplished or what I have in plans, but the little personality traits that make me who I am and therefore determining the decisions I make in life. I never really thought about who I am until lately when I took on a new position in my company while reaching for my dream. All at the same time I realize that the person I want to be and know I can be is not who I am right now. A part of my professional life demands me to be someone else, a version of me that is professional and responsible. Yet the other part of my life, the part of my life I want to be but can’t afford to be right now, doesn’t like that person so much. That side of me tolerates it because I’m being the best of that version but it stops me from being who I want to be.

Being a professional in a corporation can ask a lot from you and in return it provides a nice standard for living where one can maintain a family and feel very content with what life has offered and what they have taken advantage of. It is a good life, a comfortable one, and it has its ups and downs like everything. The ups is that you can afford your security and wellbeing. For others it is the sense of accomplishment that the job gives to them because it is their aspirations to be there. However that is not me. I never dreamed of having the perfect white picket fence house with a husband and kids. Though that sounds really enticing I just wanted more. I want that but I want something bigger and more out of the ball park from the standard go getter.

There are a lot of things that I want to keep about myself that only this career has afforded me. It has given me strength to push through the punches, it has taught me how to be a leader, it has taught me how to gain confidence, it has taught me how to communicate with people, it has brought me to a future that allows me to afford my true dream. This career has made me a stronger person, one that looks bullet proof even when inside I feel like I’m breaking. With that being said there are things about me that I hope to shed away easily when the time is right.

I’ve become numb and tired to the ways of the world and how things run into an ongoing time of waking up and sleeping filled with little happiness. I’ve become less like me and more like everyone else. Though I love my sarcastic undertones, because it is my version of a joke, I don’t like that I can’t use it often enough, that I have to monitor what I say because it may come off unprofessional. I don’t like that I have to look and dress a certain way. I want to experiment with the nose ring, the blue tips or strands in my hair however I have always worked in corporations since I was 15 that didn’t allow that personal touch and now I’m getting to the age where it is uncommon and can come off a bit crazy, that doesn’t mean I wont do it one day, but my time of wanting to experiment with my look is running out. I don’t like that I can’t be bluntly honest. I love honesty, I want to be honest with everyone all the time. I’m not talking brutal honesty, I’m talking about the warranted kind that would stop people from doing certain things. However that may be unprofessional at times. I like to believe in people, everyone. I hate being a skeptic waiting for someone to pull fraudulent activities on me. I hate having to see the worst of people everyday because the only people that usually come across my desk are for the fires I have to put out. I know people aren’t all good but I want to believe they are because a part of them is. It’s just that right now my job is to determine their attitude and their role in my company and therefore action is based on pure judgement, situation, and policy.

The person I want to be, because I know it is who I really am, is sarcastic and witty who longs to make everyone around her laugh and smile. She’s shy at times but when given the time and right subject she’s over confident and ready to be a teacher. She likes to shut herself from the world. If she could she would lock up the doors, board up the windows and become a hermit as she writes, then comes out of hibernation to get her social fill in when she goes a little stir crazy. She’s creative and implements, she doesn’t manage, though she will if she has to.

Right now I’m stunted unless I can successfully pull a double personality. It’s difficult. When you try to be two slightly different people for the sake of your responsibilities one side slips into the other at some point and sometimes their are dire consequences and more fires to put out. Eventually I expect that I will become what I want to be. Eventually I will be able to make the decision of who I want to be on my terms and not everyone else’s. until then I will balance my needs with my wants.

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2 thoughts on “I’ve Become What I Can’t Be

  1. I know you are an amazing writer and soon the world will know as well! I cant wait for your book!!’

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