Experiences in life taught me that if you want something you do it yourself. No one can be counted on or held accountable to your standards; except for you. I learned early on that whatever achievements and materials I wanted for myself I would have to learn on my own how to get them and motivate myself to get there. Sure there were people in my life to guide me along the way. I felt that more often than not I received mixed signals, poor expectations, broken promises and shattered hearts.
Preparing for myself in life I set out to do all the right things so that I could have this life I thought everyone deserved to have. A warm home, a family living slightly above their means, a career that would satisfy me, and memories that I would want to remember. Ones that would get rid of the old ones and remind me that things don’t have to be that way. It’s worked in many areas of my life. At fifteen I jumped on the band wagon with a job and began to save. I saved so I could move out and take care of myself when I graduated high school. Then I started a better career and went to college because I wanted to make sure that I would have an education in case the career I wanted called for it. I graduated and I advanced in my current career. Buying a house and finding an inner passion of writing to satisfy my stigma of not knowing what to do in life brought me really close to building the life I wanted.
There was one thing missing. Why is there always something missing? The one thing i never could fix was heartache. That is the one thing none of us are capable from withstanding. You can expect the worse and get on with the best, not listen to those false promises, and put your self in gear for the lifestyle you want. Those things you can control. The heart however, it’s in its own world.
Doing all the right things for yourself is great. However you may be the only one doing it. Constant torture imposes itself against an already stressed out life when those around you, with some sort of ties to you, tend to think about themselves more than they have ever thought about their actions. Somehow the innocent get slain with blood as their tormentors live a life of instant gratification at another’s expense. Somehow your caring for them got in the way of things and they decided to jump back at you and lash out.
Taking in the emotional abuse I can accept this is the life that was given to me. Somehow I can look past the choice that others made for me and deal with it because in the end I love someone in the middle. When things are going mediocre life is okay. Dictated by a tyrant who parades their ethics like the middle finger we all learn to live with it. Someone more important is caught in the balance. My hands are tied behind my back and a noose rest against my collar. I don’t want to jump but if I don’t keep quiet I will be pushed.
Time and time again I ask myself why did you leave that door open and then I remind myself that someone special needs me. Somehow I have to tell myself, that though that someone needs me, they are not allowed to have me. That I did something wrong. I cared about them when the ones that should didn’t. I held his hand, told him stories, held him close, told him I loved him but more importantly I showed it. Cause I know that words are meaningless I gave him action. I showed him I cared by being there. Unfortunately not everything is in control and my actions are being stripped from me. The misfortunes of others are berated against me for their poor execution of a declared title they don’t rightfully deserve.
The title to love some people is not as strong as others. If your heart breaks for someone you love but can not share it with them you can at least rest assured that there are many people in your shoes. Simply put, because some care more than others, and those who don’t will flaunt it carelessly. I just hope that one day things will be different and beneath the misfortunate life he was given, against the manipulation of others, he will be able to see through the shadows and find the light. I will be waiting.