A Letter I Can’t Send

Today it’s hard to think straight. The usual mundane responsibilities weigh me down but every time I look at my phone there is something hanging over me like a dark cloud. Every time I look at the phone or the computer, I’m reminded it’s October 16th. To many people it is just an ordinary day. I keep picking up my phone looking at your face in my contacts. It’s foolishness. I can look 100 times but at the end of the day that number no longer reaches you. I could send you a letter however you wouldn’t smile after reading it. How can I write a letter telling you Happy Birthday knowing that on the other end you are not happy.

I sit here thinking about you wondering if you are thinking about me. I don’t expect you to, though I hope, for you are the kind of guy who lives in the moment and focuses on who is #1 in your life. Last I checked it was you. So I do my best to do the same. Yet day after day I know deep down it is nothing but an epic fail. It doesn’t matter how upset you make me or the horrible things that have happened, they just don’t matter in the end. Because in the end I love you and we were given a special bond that is supposed to mean something. We were meant to care for each other for the rest of our lives, however we weren’t meant to care about each other equally.

I sit here typing this letter wondering what is the right thing to say. I can’t ask you the normal things that people ordinarily question because there is nothing normal about where you are. There is nothing normal with how you should celebrate this day. Writing a happy letter on a happy day is a narcissistic way of saying lets pretend everything is okay. It’s not.

I struggle with two voices: my conscience and my alter ego. My alter ego is hiding my conscience from acting on its part. When Conscious is sad Alter Ego says you did everything you could; move on and shut up. Conscious says that I’m older and I must live with the burden of loving someone who is unhealthy because we were meant to hold onto each other whether for good or worse. My alter ego puts on a show for everyone. Telling the world that I DON’T CARE. I’m my own person, I decide my faith, and I decide what makes me feel inferior or not. However Conscious tells me that I deserve to feel this way because your decisions affect me. Perhaps somewhere down the line you were waiting to be saved and I wasn’t there to hear you.

I choke back the regret of not knowing better when I was young. Not knowing that as lonely as I felt, pretending to be happy, you were doing the same. We were shielding ourselves from feeling vulnerable to the world. I try and try so hard to put you out of my mind. It is impossible. You were meant to be there hovering in my thoughts. In the past my heart used to be breakable. At one time I carried it in pieces for you, gluing it back together as I used to think of bittersweet memories. These memories wash up against my thoughts. They are unbreakable unlike your nose against my foot when we practiced Karate moves. Or when you fell on my FACE in a tubeing accident that caused my nose to break for the second time. Pay back is a bitch. Now I do my best to push back against the past. I can’t afford to gain another fracture, worrying it might cause my heart to crack.

I watch you struggle with the choices you have made. So many times I wanted to take the reins from you and guide you to the right place. Till I realized that my life and your life are two separate things and in the end you will make your choices. So now you are far away. Nothing will ever be the same. From this birthday on there will be a distance. No holiday will be left fulfilled with your absence.

So, Happy Birthday. Can there be a birthday without HAPPY? I suppose so.

I write this letter not to make you sad. I write this for myself. This is my way of trying to close the door of our old life so that one day I can find another one. Perhaps one day in the distant future you will read this. You will take the moment to regret your decisions for the billionth time and realize for the millionth time that things will never be the same. That you were in too much of a hurry to grow up and got caught on the outskirts of town. Perhaps though, underneath the melancholy tone of this letter you will realize that I care for you more than you can comprehend.  Maybe then, one day down that road, we will be able to start over.

I hope life gets better for you. More importantly I hope you want it to be better. For it is only you, that is holding you back. I will still be here when you are ready to move on from the mess. It doesn’t matter the distance for blood is thicker than water.

Love,

your sister

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