Ripping Out Hearts

There are always those moments in life that seem so torturous, so surreal, no matter if it was a surprise or you saw it coming. Some people in our lives seem to just exist  for the purpose of repeatedly shoving their hands into the cavity of ones heart as they watch the last drop of blood dissipate before they shove it back in and demands more.

I’m one of those people who does things for others without them asking. I usually keep my mouth shut when something must be said but nothing good would come from it, until I blow up. I do unto others as I would want done to me. It’s not that I believe in karma but it is because I like to go to bed knowing that I at least tried. So naturally, this person I am, gets run over. I take a lot of hits cause I allow myself to care.

At least that is who I used to be full-time. As I write this I realize how much I have changed in just two years. I have grown numb to so many things. I worked in a rough environment that changed my perspective. I don’t think I stopped caring, I just think that my mind has created a shield. So when things happen that I am not happy about I get sarcastic, blunt, and then I usually come to the conclusion that I am being too nice for even listening to such nonsense that people feed me. So I will stand there with a smile on my face and say everything is alright as I secretly tell myself “who cares”. Why should I care about you when you don’t care about me? That is what certain people have turned me into.

I got some hard yet expected news this week. My family has problems as most do. There are some people who try so hard and others who just brush it under the rug saying someone else will clean it up. My job is to watch it all happen and let it break as my voice becomes sore from asking them to stop, to work on communicating, to remember that we are family. Blood is thicker than water right?  Not when it’s infected from problems being ignored.

I used to believe that people could change, because it is true. Yet time and time again I watch people repeat their history. They suffocate me with their mistakes and I take it. So when I heard the news this weekend about someone I love spreading such vile manipulative lies; I was reminded that some people choose not to change. They choose themselves over everyone else because they can, because it is easy.

I sat there on the phone listening about this news and my response was, “Good. Then we’re done. That’s fine. Saves me a lot of trouble.”

It is true. However when I get off that phone call it hits me. That feeling I get… when i forget how to breathe, how to think. I sit there  at work on my break hyperventilating, overwhelmed by the fact that I’m meant to love certain people unconditionally…so why is it so easy for someone not to care. Manipulation has whispered into the ears of the weak and now I must suffer the consequences.

Part of me feels like being mad at the world, but what would that do? It would leave me bitter. Instead I force myself to move on. I deserve better in life and no matter how close I am or was to someone I will not let them keep me down. We all deserve to be happy. All that matters is that you do everything that you can to keep regrets away then find your happiness in other projects or people.

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